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  #1  
Old 06-21-2003, 10:48 AM
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Default Hey Bob, e-mail jokes

I figure if you could start a Hey John thread, I could return the favor. So here are jokes folks have sent me that I think sre funny.


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do it's
own, entitled "Survivor -Texas Style."

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio,
over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to
Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to
Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that
reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait
sucks,
Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!!!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!

John
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Old 06-22-2003, 04:22 PM
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Default The only other joke I know

The Carrot Joke

Two carrots were walking down a county lane, when a tractor went out of control and plo\wed into them. One of the carrot didn't have a scratch on him, but the other one was shredded up a good bit, so an ablumlance was called.

When they arrived at the hospital, the shredded carrot was rushed to the operating table, while his friend paced about. Finally, about what seemd like forever, the doctor came over the talk to the healthy carrot. Take it easy, I have sone good news and some not so good news for you.

Your friend is going to live, but I'm sorry to say that he's going to be very much a vegetable the rest of his life. :P

HA HA, isn't that great!!!!!! I can't stop laughing.

John
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Old 06-22-2003, 07:19 PM
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Default Here's another not funny carrot joke :D

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but doesn't.
Next day the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.
The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it any more. He says to the guy, "Hey Mack, you know you got a carrot in your ear?
The guy replies, "I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear."
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Old 06-22-2003, 07:30 PM
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OK, I got to admit my carrot joke sucked so I owe you a better joke. . . .

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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Old 06-22-2003, 11:39 PM
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Default Funnire than a rubber crutch

Your last joke is funny and sick, a nice combination. But you never said if you liked my carrot joke? Great, wasn't it?

John :P
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Old 06-23-2003, 12:16 AM
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Default Re: Funnire than a rubber crutch

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiltjlp
Your last joke is funny and sick, a nice combination. But you never said if you liked my carrot joke? Great, wasn't it?

John :P
I can honestly say, it's one of the "best" carrot jokes I've ever heard!
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Old 06-23-2003, 01:04 AM
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Default Yeah, thanks pal

And probably the only carrot joke you had heard up till then. but that's OK, I'm easily amused. I even think you're funny!

John
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Old 06-23-2003, 01:23 AM
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I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear.

Are you getting excited about this Forum?

Or is that a carrot in your pocket!
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Old 06-23-2003, 02:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bob
OK, I got to admit my carrot joke sucked so I owe you a better joke. . . .

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Thats So FUNNY LOL
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Old 06-23-2003, 05:40 AM
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Default

Now for something far more tasteful, there is even a moral in this.

Michael the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to suckle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Haratio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Haratio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Michael the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Michael the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Haratio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Haratio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Haratio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure the Queen's itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Michael the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch.

King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer. Haratio the Physician then slipped Michael the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Michael the Dragon Slayer left not only satisfied, but as a hero.

Upon returning to his chambers, Michael the Dragon Slayer found Haratio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Michael the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and -- knowing that Haratio the Physician could never report the matter to the King -- shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Haratio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL: Pay your bills
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Old 06-23-2003, 01:17 PM
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Default Good one Steve

I'll never be late with another payment again, just to be on the safe side.

John
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Old 06-24-2003, 12:58 PM
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Default Computer cartoons

A friend sent me these, some are pretty good I think.

John
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:01 PM
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#2
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:02 PM
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Just getting started.
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:04 PM
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#4
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:05 PM
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The next one.
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:06 PM
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Just a few more.
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:08 PM
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Smiling yet?
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:10 PM
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Great attachment system, isn't it? The last one.
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Old 06-24-2003, 01:26 PM
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The internet generation, funny stuff, though I think I like Calvin and Hobbs better, anyways on with the picture show.

Now here is a public transport advert..
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Old 06-24-2003, 02:30 PM
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What the hey here is the other ad in the series, I'm going Dublin Bus, to be sure, to be sure.
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Old 06-25-2003, 12:52 PM
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Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on the sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
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Old 06-25-2003, 01:10 PM
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Ah hahahaha!

I like little Jonny jokes.

Little Jonny goes out to feed the chickens in the coop and sees that one is dead, laying on the ground with its legs in the air. Tearfully Jonny runs to his father and asks why the chicken is dead and why its legs are in the air. His father replies that it was his time to go to heaven and his legs are in the air so God can pick him up.

Two weeks later Jonny comes running bawling his eyes out to his father again. After calming him down his dad asks what's wrong.

Jonny replies "I just saw mummy laying on her back with her feet in the air shouting "Oh God I'm coming, I'm coming" and if Uncle George hadn't been there to hold her down we would have lost her for sure!"
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Old 06-25-2003, 04:16 PM
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This Is A Stupid Joke But.

There's This Boy Named Johny Deeper. One Day He Had To Stay After School For detention. Johny Say "I Know How To Multiply" to his teacher Mrs.Doo. Then He Says " First Take Off Your Shirt. The Teacher Replied "K, But Why", Johny Says "Just Do It. Then He Says "Take Of Your Pants And Underware. He Rippes Off Her Pants. Then He Says I Saw This On TV. Its Called Multiplying, You said you would teach us this Tomorow. Then His Dad Walk Into The Room To Pick Him Up. He Shouts "Johnny Deeper Deeper" and johny replies "I'm Trying, I'm Trying".
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Old 06-26-2003, 10:05 PM
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Well. not that I can do better, but with these jokes, instead of the Back Fence, it should be called the Corn Field! Love your forums, John

Gary
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Old 06-27-2003, 07:09 PM
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Default Good point Gary

So just for you, here are some more corn.

1. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to =
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people =
can buy cigarettes at the front.


2. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large =
fries, and a diet coke.


3.. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain =
the pens to the counters.


4. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and =
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't =
want to talk to in the first place.


5. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns =
in packages of eight.


6. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille =
lettering.


EVER WONDER ~~~~


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is! "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid =
is made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why =
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


~~~~~


In case you needed further! proof that the human race is doomed through =
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only =
time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that =
would be how??...)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, =
it's "just" a suggestion.)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside =
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but =
wouldn't! this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate =
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce =
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those =
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking =
this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, =
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news =
flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable =
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this =
one.)

John
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Old 06-27-2003, 07:10 PM
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Default Blonde joke 1

> BLONDE COOKBOOK
>
> Or someone who just can't cook....
>
> MONDAY:
>
> It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food
> cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
> neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
>
> TUESDAY:
>
> Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
> serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
> surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
>
> A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
> thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
> silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
> improved the rice any.
>
> THURSDAY:
>
> Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new
> recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a
> bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
> why I was rolling around in the garden.
>
> FRIDAY:
>
> I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put
> the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
> been something wrong with this recipe. When I got
> back, everything was the same as when I left.
>
> SATURDAY:
>
> Tom did the shopping today and brought home a
> chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
> For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
>
> SUNDAY:
>
> Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
> roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
> flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and
> set the controls for roast. It still came out
> hamburger, much to my disappointment.
>
> GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very
> exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
> can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
> into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
> him with Chocolate Moose.

John
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Old 06-27-2003, 07:11 PM
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Default Blonde joke 2

The Pregnant Blonde

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home From work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but
thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she
said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", he said, "Great, tell
me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have
TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her
how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went toWal-Mart and bought the
twin pack, home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!!"


John
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  #29  
Old 06-27-2003, 07:12 PM
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tiltjlp tiltjlp is offline
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Default True or not it's weird

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems.
(Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.)
Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now
understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer
and money taking machines=20

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was
losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the
boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people
would do that, so they set up a camera to catch the thief in action.
Well, they did catch him on film!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.


The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get
to the money!


That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it
was not just one bird -- there were several working together.


Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

John
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Old 06-27-2003, 07:15 PM
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Default Be careful UT2

You might want to be careful about kissing schoolgirls!

Lipstick Cure

A certain private school in Beverly Hills was faced with a unique problem. A
number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...

John . . . That's all for now folks.
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