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Old 10-23-2018, 01:31 PM
adammuelta adammuelta is offline
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My smash of a Language at the Ping-Pong Hall

First, the Tory press contrived it Tony's brilliant address on Tuesday was overshadowed by the news from America of a retired footballer being allowed off. And as if this weren't enough, my own impassioned speech to the party faithful from the prestigious Ping-Pong Hall of the Hove Leisure Centre went wholly unrecorded, thanks to the Tory media reporting on a boyfriend of an EastEnders star also being let of.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Murdoch: thanks for keeping the British people in complete ignorance of what Bel Littlejohn was stating prior to an audience well into double figures on Wednesday last in Hove. You must be damn proud of yourself, Rupert, you really must.

Thank God for the Guardian. Following my address was over (and allow me to tell youthe applause was audible) the lovely Hugo Young - or Young Hugo, as we call him in the new, young, Labour Party - urged me to reprint edited highlights in this column. So now I take up his challenge, offering Guardian readers a new vision for new Britain under New Labour.

I had started in traditional Labour style, by sending out Alastair Campbell to find the oldest woman in the streets of Brighton. He was able to rope in three - a fat one, a thin one and an ailing one - but I picked the person who looked the most poorly as I wanted to make some very significant things about the NHS. In an minute, Alastair bundled the older woman on stage. This enabled me to cover generous tribute to her before an audience teetering on the brink of tears. 'Brenda,' I said,'you have worked your guts out for the Labour Party these past 73 decades. You lost all 3 children down the asbestos mines along with your husband died on the exact same day the Tories increased the Vat on luxury things. But you never let it get you down. You kept on fighting New Labour, you kept telling yourself that - yes - one day we would have a New Labour Prime Minister, who wouldn't spend taxpayers' money on unnecessary provisions to those who are a burden on society. And Brenda, from the bottom of our New Labour heartswe just need to say thank you. Thank you for keeping the dream alive!'. Useful advises about choosing the best ping pong paddle can be found at:

As I swallowed my tears away, Brenda talked:'They should not have got rid of Maggie: she did great in the Falklands - and she would take no nonsense from the blacks , and my name isn't Brenda, it is Marjorie, and for those bloody miners. .' 'Comrades - a hand for Brenda!' I interrupted. Alastair bundled her offstage, muting her protests very calmly and caringly having an old chamois leather and a length of sticky-backed plastic.

And in order to my speech proper.' I say this,' I began.' I love my party. I think in the family. And I think in the family celebration. And allow me to tell you . Let me. Tell you. This. I love my country. I really like it like I love my party. And my family. And my family in the nation. And their party. Everyone's invited. And I will devote every breath I breathe, every sinew of my vortex, to making sure that this celebration I love remains a part of this nation I adore.'

I knew I had been in the center of the most effective and significant speech of my political career and was uniting the party as no one had ever united it, or at least not because Tony's speech the day before.

At this pointthere was a bit of a kerfuffle to the middle of the hall because the under-manager of the leisure centre began pointing in the wall-clock and erecting two ping-pong tables. 'Feel New Britain come alive,' I implored, raising my voice as the first two contestants about the Hove Area ping-pong ladder began a bit of a knock-up. 'Feel the energy course by means of this nation's veins and also help it become young again. Feel the country reborn. New Britain. New Community. New Millennium. New World. New Statesman. New Potatoes. New Seekers. New Age Travellers. New In Today. News at Ten. Newton Abbot. Newt Gingrich. New and Me Baby!'

I had those who stayed in the hands of my hand. It was time to spell out hard policy. 'I'm not in the business of making promises,' I said. 'But I tell you . This is precisely what I am telling you. And this is what I've just told you, fairly and squarely. I have said it once, and once only. And now I've said it, let this be an end to it. That is what I wanted to say. And that's precisely what I have said. And - my god - isn't this time Tory authorities confronted the issues facing Britain today with the same measure of sound finance, empathy, and down-to-earth honesty?'

Two tell-tale hints told me this was the right time to deliver my speech to a dramatic close: a game of badminton had begun in a corner of the hall and two sailors were blowing up a bouncy castle. So I finished with a boom. 'Let us never forget that which we haven't forgotten - because certainly, comrades, that's the only way we will ever remember.'

I sat down in victory. From where I sat at the Hove Leisure Centre, the way forward for New Labour had never looked better, if just the opponents on the Olympic-size trampoline hadn't been intent on obscuring the view.

Last edited by adammuelta; 11-12-2018 at 11:45 AM.
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